Know
by Kyla45
Summary: Hinamori's reflection after she is wounded by Aizen. [Some things you know for certain] Oneshot. HinamoriHitsugaya.


When the blade pierced me, drawing my blood to an endless flow and rendering my limbs numb, I thought: _this must be a mistake. _

There was no way the man I admired, worshiped, _loved_, could ever do something so hideous, so cruel. There was no way he would ever do such a thing, and yet I knew he had.

I watched him walk away from the bloody mess of my body, I watched him walk, as if nothing had happened, as if _he'd_ done nothing.

_Nothing_.

Now, as I lay, I knew that was what I was considered.

Nothing.

I tried to think if I really mattered to anyone, anyone at all. I couldn't think of anyone. I had been so narrowed minded, eventually depending on my captain . I ignored most other people, and now, in my fleeting moments of pain I couldn't think of anyone who needed me.

Truth was, that was a scary, saddening thought. If the fact that my life was slipping away from my grasp wasn't enough. No one needed me, no one would care if I died today.

Maybe I deserved it. I had been foolishly blinded to the transparently clear truth. My loyalty , my trust, my devotion to that man had caused me to walk aimlessly into a pit with sharp, piercing blades at the bottom, waiting with open arms.

Now all I wanted to do was scream. Scream for my sorrow, for my hate, and for the anger that festered in the pit of my heart. I wanted to scream, with all my soul, I wanted to scream. The only problem was, I couldn't. I couldn't move, I couldn't make the tiniest sound, I couldn't even blink.

This was a problem, because now the tears flooded down my cheeks and onto the red ground unceasingly. A red ground dyed by my blood.

Amidst all of my self pity I realized I could no longer focus on much else but the horrendous pain that coursed through my entire body.

Okay, there was no denying that I was probably doing to die. And it was a horrible thing to die with hatred and scorn, and so, I tried with all my might to focus on something happy, so that I really could rest in peace.

I knew that I could not change what my captain had done, nor could I change the current situation I was in. I knew I couldn't change the way I had lived my life, and so I also knew I should not linger on those haunting facts that I could not change.

As so many other times in my pathetic life, I knew, but refused to acknowledge what I knew.

I didn't want to die, especially if I died by the hand of Aizen. Not only did that sadden me greatly, but it shone an inconvenient truth directly into my eyes. My captain was an enemy of Soul Society.

For some reason, I couldn't seem to care about that anymore. I had already established my foolishness, and now I couldn't shake the one overpowering feeling that infested my soul: regret.

I regretted my life, the wasted hours spent with that bastard, the disgusting infatuation I felt for him, the time, not too long ago when I pointed Tobiume at Hitsugaya...

Hitsugaya. Shiro-chan.

Great, now the tears are flowing even more. He was my childhood friend, we are still friends. Although we grew apart with time, he was always my Shiro-chan, and I his Bed-Wetter Momo.

I was always able to see through his defenses, and he was able to understand me without words or actions. We shared out moments, and now I know, for sure...it was Aizen, who blinded me to life, to my friends, to my secret loves. It was he who ruined my life. I even betrayed Hitsugaya and in the end I myself was betrayed.

I can hardly think now, two simple thoughts slowly pass through my mind. The first is the certainty that I hate Aizen.

Now, before I slip into unconsciousness Shiro-chan, _my_ Shiro-chan reaches out a hand to me. I'm unable to take his hand, but he holds mine all the same. He kisses away my pain. He wipes away my tears, he forgives my faults, stating even that it was all his own fault. He tells me he will always protect me, and that he loves me. He sees me, unable to respond, and I swear I see mingled despair and hope. I'm almost certain he becomes frantically desperate, as he bows his head, kissing my limp hand, slowly rocking back and forth, in an attempt to hide his tears from me.

Unfortunately for him, I can see his tears with little trouble. One salty drop even falls to my hand. His grip is firm, and, as I've said before, hopelessly desperate. He mumbles, or perhaps my deep understanding of him implants the words into my head. ' Please don't take her.'

I know he isn't one to show emotions, but hey, I'm slowly fading from existence, he's got a reason to cry. Perhaps, his first tears. I know he would deny everything if someone caught him. But, it doesn't matter though, because I'm not someone, and therefore he chooses to share with me everything he keeps locked away.

Now I can hear his soft sobs. My own tears fall relentlessly. I must accept the future, as well as the past. I know this, but, I'm not so willing to accept everything I know.

With Shiro-chan's hand holding my own, he leads me into the easing of my pain. Even though I know there will be an unbearable pain within me, even when I'm nothing more than the ghost of someone who once lived.

Weakly, I realize that at least one person would care if I died today. There is one person who needs me.

Regret flows through me like venom. If only I could have told him.

Because, in my last seconds, I do not reach out to Aizen, no, I reach with all my being to Hitsugaya. I reach for him, even though I know he cannot follow.

In that instant a defining though passes through my mind, accompanying the knowledge that I despise Aizen. Of course, where there is hatred, there is also love.

I realize that I love Hitsugaya, always have. Why, fate has chosen to open my eyes just when they are closing for the last time, I do not know.

But I do know that I love Hitsugaya, and, Shiro-chan, if ever you could hear me, I am sorry.

I love you, my Shiro-chan, you are the only one who will be forever mine.

This much, I do know.

* * *

Spur of the moment, tell me what you think. 

A/N: Yes, I know that Hinamori doesn't really die in the manga, but this is my version of what she might think about just as she passes on. Note that this is a fan fiction, emphasis on _fiction._


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